He said, she said…

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."--Robert McCloskey

When I was 9, my mom and I moved in with a woman who changed the lives of my entire family. Wally, well actually her name was Wallcie Maureema, and my mom became life partners and while it is difficult to fathom the relationship, Wally was as close to a father as I had growing up. Not to put down my biological father. He was a wonderful and loving man; he just wasn't an active part of my life before the age of 9 or after the age of 9. He taught me some important things, though. Things I haven't forgotten to this day and things that still get me through life.

This is neither about Wally nor my father, though. This is about communication. Wally comes into the subject because from the onset of our relationship communication became the keyword in my life. She taught a discipline called General Semantics. The phrase I learned to describe the concept of GS (General Semantics) is: Words don't have meaning—people do.

In essence, a person learns meaning for the words they use through experiences. For instance, Yup'ik (Eskimo to most people) has 15 different words to describe snow. English has many words to describe snow, too; however, we tend to simply say "It snowed today," as though all snow was the same. Those of us who do not live day-in and day-out in an arctic climate don't have a good referent for snow. Referent is created by experience. Two people living in the same arctic climate for a space of time have a referent when they speak to each other about snow. Yes? If one person lives in an arctic climate and another lives in a snow climate, like Colorado, they have enough referent to build understanding with each other when they talk about snow IF they take the time to listen to what each has to say. Why? Because the snow above the Arctic Circle is not like the snow in Colorado. They share similarities and yet they are different.

So now let's bring this down to relationships, particularly couples. You both grow up in the United States. You both are from the same cultural background. Let's even say you both grew up in the same city or town. One might assume you have common referent for communication, and to a limited extent you do. I can say to my friend, Deby, "you know that little café on Main Street in Lakeside?" And she will probably reply, "I do! We used to go there for French fries and salad with blue cheese dressing." We grew up in the same area, attended the same school, hung out with the same crowd. We had the common referent of age and attending the same school as well as many other things. Yet we had to learn to communicate with each other. She had to learn what I meant when I said something and I had to learn what she meant when she said something.

Why? Because we came from families and our families totally different; we learn communication from our families.

Communication isn't just about the words we use either. It is about the feelings we feel that cause signals in our bodies and about the actions that arise from those feelings. In other words, non-verbal communication. My mother could tell me without saying one word that she was angry. Her entire demeanor changed. The problem was without words—without conscious communication—I didn't know if she was angry with me, with someone else, with the dog, with life, with…. As children we usually figure she is mad at us for something we did even if we can't think of anything we did to make her angry.

Communication is a skill we do not teach until our children get into college. What is wrong with this picture?

There is one thing people have in common—relationships. A person cannot live on this earth without encountering "relationship". As people, we live in relationship to one another. Even if a person had somehow miraculously appeared on some isolated mountaintop and never saw another human being in his or her lifetime that person would still live in relationship. Not just with nature—with him or herself. And if you don't think communication applies to the relationship you have with yourself, then start listening to what you talk to yourself about each day, every day, all day. You may not use words; you may use feelings and emotions. How you communicate with yourself doesn't matter—it is what you communicate to yourself that is important.

How many couples do you know who have problems in their marriage? I'm not talking about problems that stem from alcohol, infidelity, drugs, etc. I'm talking about problems that arise from hurt feelings and misunderstandings, arguments, disagreements, etc. My ex used to walk in the door from work and start spewing. He spewed anger and discontent. You hear about displaced anger—person comes home and kicks the dog because he had a bad day at work? Well, that was my ex. He definitely was not into communication. To say the very least, his spewing caused a whole lot of hurt feelings, misunderstandings, arguments and disagreement.

How many couples do you know where the woman says—I talk and talk and talk and he just doesn't do anything; or care; or change; or …. This is kind of like the spewing my ex did, only from a more female perspective, I suppose.

We have all this "stuff" inside and it comes out without conscious, directed thought.

I have a wonderful example of mis-communication from my own 14 year marriage. I said to him, "I just want you to love me." He replies, "I give you my paycheck, what more do you want?" Both of us communicated a wealth of needs in those two sentences. Neither one of us knew what the other meant by those words.

Is there a point to this blog? I don't know … do blogs have to have a point? Okay, okay….my point is—people don't just magically learn to communicate with each other beyond the basics. Basics like giving directions to the nearest Starbucks and even that can involve a whole lot of conscious thought; however, most of us know "turn right, turn left". Yes?

Learn how to communicate. And just like everything in life—first communicate with self, then communicate with other. First self, then other.